Last night, on meeting an adoptee for the first time, a friend and I were asked “Did you have a good adoption?” In a split second, I had to decide whether to let it go or to challenge this language with a complete stranger.
[laughing] “I could give you a rant about why I don’t like that question. Do you mean, did I have a good childhood?”
“Yes.”
We proceeded to have a long chat and later on, I explained one of the reasons why I hate this question so much: it implies my adoption had an end. It didn’t. It’s my life.
Here are some other reasons why this question is problematic.
- You wouldn’t ask this on meeting anyone else. “Nice to meet you. Did you have a good childhood?” “Excuse me?!!”
- It’s often used to assuage guilt and solicit an “I’m fine” or “My adoptive parents were wonderful” or “I’m very grateful [lucky, etc.]”
- It’s a Long Lost Family cliché for the same reason. Birth parents wanting to know their child didn’t suffer. The hosts asking a question that will help the story fit the narrative and the emotional arc – notice they never air anyone answering no.
- Adoptees didn’t, and don’t, have a choice. It’s not like asking “Did you have a good holiday?” or “Did you have a good Christmas?” You’re asking us to make a black-and-white judgment about a lifetime that could be all shades of grey, and we have nothing to compare it to. (My answer, by the way, was “mixed.”)
- Most importantly perhaps, the question concedes that there are good and bad adoptions. If there are bad adoptions, why are we doing adoption? If there were bad adoptions in the past, why are the authorities who gave that child to those parents not being held to account?
So next time you hear this question, please think about why it’s being asked and the assumptions behind it. Our lives are not an episode of Long Lost Family and our adoptions are not something we’ve “had.”
